I have blamed you for my pain. I pictured you as a narcissistic coward who forces me to be fearful, neurotic and shallow. Someone who makes me feel superior and look down my nose at others. I have heard how other’s talk about you. (You really do have a bad reputation.) I saw it in them because that’s what I believed too. You were my enemy – something to overcome. If I could have, I’d have hired a hit man to take you out. I wanted you to be blown to smithereens. You were not worthy of love or consideration.
Now I am ashamed of my ignorance and cruelty towards you. How could I ever wish harm to another? To wish you didn’t exist? I want to make amends.
I am truly sorry for my resentment towards you. I judged your ignorance so harshly. I called you blind, when in fact, I was blind. I’ve yelled at you to shut up. I didn’t want to hear what you were saying. I wanted to blot you out with spirituality. I saw you as stupid, the one holding me back, and as the unenlightened part of me I resented.
You knew my intentions to end you and fought tooth and nail to live, as you should, as you needed to. I can so relate. If I experienced someone’s contempt and attempts to kill me, I would fight back too. You, like everyone, have a right to exist. You are worthy of love. I don’t want us to fight anymore.
When you were frightened, I tried to force, manipulate and berate you into jumping. In the future, let’s link hands and unravel the fear together, gently with encouragement and understanding. I will not push you too fast.
You’ve been with me as long as I can remember and I ignore all the wonderful things you bring to my life. You are my memory. You’re so smart – that’s been a blessing for me. You’re so good at organizing and planning. Thank you for keeping my life tidy. But most importantly, you’ve done your best to make me exist and protect me from harm. No one else in my life has fought as hard as you to keep me safe.
I want to start over with you. I want to be more patient, kind and accepting of you. I want an authentic relationship with you. I want to listen to you, deeply listen, the way you do with me. You hear everything.
I’d like us to talk more, especially when I’m unhappy. I will do my best to hear you. Please continue to be honest about what you think. I will not ignore or push what you say aside. Tell me what you are feeling. Tell me your fears. Tell me what you want and need. Tell me what you think other people should do. Tell me about your resentments – please be as petty and judgemental as you want. I want to hear all your opinions.
I genuinely want to know because when we do “the work” together, we find a more comfortable way of living. I can’t do this without your total honesty. You have surprised and amazed me with how adaptive you are. When we do those Turnarounds, and you see the obvious truth of a new perspective, you don’t hesitate to adopt it and live it. You’re flexibility is incredible! You see it, believe it and – boom – you jump right on board. I love that about you. You are not evil, just uneducated. Let’s learn together.
I understand if you don’t trust me at first considering our history together. I hope in time, as you witness my willingness to listen, acknowledge your concerns and worries and take into consideration your perspective, you will learn to trust me again.
We really are in this together. And together, we can both get where we want to go – free, at peace and in love. Let’s do this.